To My Children . . .

Falling leaves circling,
  No sound, save the wind's sweet music.
Laughter and tears,
  Trials and tribulations.
Sunlight shines like angel's song,
  to dance upon our faces.
Spinning until we're lost,
  Falling like the leaves.
Finally, eruptions of laughter.
Peace and Calm.

Second Guesses and Awkward Feelings

Before I get into the meat and potatoes of this blog, I'd just like to throw in a little disclaimer. I love my children more than anything. I love being a mother. Through the late-night feedings, the fussiness, and the dirty diapers, nothing makes me happier than when I'm holding my happy babies in my arms, looking into their big, brown eyes with their long, fluttering eyelashes or when I can soothe their cries simply by walking into their line of vision.

That being said, sometimes I feel a bit detached and I'm not sure if that's normal.

The second I had my children in my arms, I felt that instant connection--that bond that every mother prays she'll feel once she sees her children. Luckily, I didn't have hours and hours of a painful labor to dull any of those feelings, and all I felt was a surge of absolute protective, motherly love.

What kind of scares me is that I don't feel that way all of the time. Even when I have one of my girls in my arms, or when I go about the motions of the day--feeding them, doing their laundry, changing them, etc--I don't feel like a mother. Sometimes I feel detached from them, like I'm just taking care of them for someone else or I'm an aunt or something. It's such an awkward feeling. Sometimes I have to remind myself that I'm their mother, that these little girls are going to be with me for the rest of my life and I'm going to be taking care of them and there's never going to be a break from it (even though sometimes I feel like I can really, really use one, haha).

I suppose it will sink in a little bit more as time passes by but I think what I'm afraid of is that instead of sinking in, it will just feel more and more unattached. I can't really imagine that happening, of course, but the fear is still there sometimes. Luckily, they're only a month old, so I have years and years to sit on the topic and just let it eat away at me until I go mad. Just kidding.

Until everything settles with me, though, it's not that difficult to deal with. I mean, I still have those radiating moments of pure, motherly love. Not to mention I have the sweetest, most adorable, beautiful, little girls on the planet. <3 But of course, I'm kind of bias. :)

Who Knew This Could Happen?

To all of those people who have said to me over the years: "You'll feel differently when it's your children" . . . bring on the I-told-you-so's. I never in a million years could have expected motherhood to be like this. My entire perspective and thought-process has seem to do a 180° in the span of an hour and I've never been happier in my life.

To recap the past few weeks:
My children, Delessi May and Rosalie Marie, were born at 5:33pm (in the same minute!) on March 2, 2010 via elective cesarean. I developed postpartum preeclampsia after my babies were born and everyone was afraid that I was going to have a stroke or something because my blood pressure was so high. Eventually my blood pressure went down a little and after 3 days in the hospital my babies and I were able to come home. Since then my recovery has been extremely swift, despite a brief scare with Rosalie they have been 100% healthy, happy babies and I'm feeling better than I have ever felt in my life.

I had never imagined that motherhood would be like this for me. I had heard how there's the instant bond between mother and child and that the love the mother feels can be sudden and all-consuming. I never really believed that it would be like that for me. I never expected that I would just be able to look at my girls and start tearing up because they're such amazing, perfect, little angels. I never, in a hundred years, would have imagined that I would have a maternal bone in my body. But all of my doubts and assumptions were quickly evaporated into thin air the moment I saw my girls in the OR. I literally broke down in tears of joy the minute I heard them cry and ever since then I've been in love.

Everything in my life seems easier. Even being a mother--a task that I imagined would be daunting and that I would have a lot of trouble bonding with my children because, A: I had never even held a newborn in my life and had no idea how I was going to learn how to be a mother, and B: I've never really been a baby person to begin with--has become as natural to me as breathing. Despite the juggling needed with twins and the exhaustion that comes of it, I don't feel overwhelmed and feel so blessed because the girls seem to be happy, contented babies. They're rarely fussy, and even when they are, I'm not alone. Between my mother, my father, my sister and occasionally my brother-in-law, I have a great support system this far and I never seem at a loss for help when I need it.

Honestly, I just never thought it would be like this--that this could happen to me. From the second I saw them, I could never imagine a world without them in it. All I want is to be there for them and to be good for them. As someone who has always suffered from some kind of emptiness and darkness within my mind, it all seems filled with joy and light. I just don't think the way that I used to anymore. And all of the drama and the seemingly daunting aspects of everyday life seem so miniscule now that I can't imagine why everything seemed so hard before. I look at my life before March 2nd and I don't even know that person anymore, and it feels great.

Below are just a few pictures of the girls. I obviously have a lot more, but I just wanted to post up a few here because I'm so proud of them.


Rosalie and Delessi


Delessi


Rosalie


Nessie and Rosie with Mama