"Who Am I? 24601" ...but not really

So, it has been a relatively long time since I've updated my blog. I suppose that is because I have had a lot going on with me as of late. A lot going on, but managing not to get anywhere, if that makes any sense. I rarely vent online--I have a personal journal for that--but I suppose I'm wondering if there's anyone out there that can give me a bit of perspective. Or perhaps, just trying to put who I am and the things I've done (or haven't done) into words that are accessible by pretty much anyone will somehow make me feel like I'm making some kind of leap into becoming the type of person that I want to be. Or if anyone ever wants to get to know me, they can just look at my blog and realize that I am not what I seem--and not in that "oo, she's so mysterious and cool" kind of way. I mean, "Wow...I had no idea she was even capable of those kinds of thoughts...creepy..." but in a negative way.

I don't really think that I've been making a lot of sense yet, so let me just start on the surface:

On the surface, everything looks fine. I would say that I am a pretty average 24-year-old, at least an average, White, American, Female 24-year-old. I would say that I'm mildly attractive, I'm over-weight, wear jeans most of the time, work at Target, go to school full-time for Graphic Design, live with my parents who don't charge me rent, and I have two beautiful, identical little girls that have smiles that make the sun's light seem dull in comparison. I'm single, but it never seems to be an issue, I have a good family even if we have our problems, I can sometimes be over-powering and a little "out-there" but I still manage to find people who tolerate me enough for me to call them friends. I am a somewhat-talented first-year student, studying Graphic Design and I have a lot of opportunities in front of me to succeed in my field. Although I'm not particularly in love with Target, I like the people I work with though not necessarily under. But all in all, I really don't have a lot to complain about--at least nothing that most people would tell me I have any right to complain about.

I'm so tired of people telling me how strong I must be...

Oo...I'm a single mother of twin toddlers...ooo...I'm a full-time student...I'm working on campaigns for Graphic competitions, I'm working as often as I can at Target to try to help my family, the father of my children is with someone else and now has a new baby and I just brush it off...I must be SO strong because I can handle everything going on in my life and manage to wake up with a smile.

Can I just call bullsh*t on all of that?

Okay, yes, I can easily be perceived like I have some semblance of control and that I can balance my life and emotions really well...but it is probably the biggest lie I've ever spun. I'm perceived that way because I want people to think that I am strong, so I can manipulate those around me with what I say and don't say, or the fact that I can behave nonchalantly when really I'm screaming on the inside.

Honestly, I don't want to be perceived as pathetic, although I am.

Let me explain.

Here I am, single, with two daughters that I love, while their father--whom I still love--is with someone else and has a child with her. And interestingly enough, it is my fault that he is with her and not with me because I let my pride and fears get in the way of what I want, and I let others' reactions dictate my life for a long time. And where am I now? I think about him constantly--whether it's good, bad, comparing him to someone else, wishing I could tell him something funny...anything. Meanwhile, I am going about my life, working, going to school, taking care of my children with the help of my family, excelling in Graphic Design and school, and having fun with my friends. Meanwhile, when I get home and it's time to get in bed, I'm acutely aware of how alone I am and how little everything else means because my family is broken and the person that I love and father of my children isn't there to wake up to in the morning. I have literally cried myself to sleep on numerous occasions and as horrible as it sounds, I seek solace in my daughters because without them nothing would be bearable. Meanwhile, I still talk to him, still try to have a positive relationship with him for the sake of our daughters and our own sakes. And I wait, rooting quietly for his relationship to fail because realizes that he is settling for something comfortable and constant (because he knows that she will never leave him, where I have in the past). Basically, I'm waiting for either one of two things to happen: one, they break up and we try again; two, I fall out of love with him.

The disgusting thing is that I know how pathetic it all is, and how disgusting it is to even feel/think like that. It bothers me that I sit and cry and worry about all of this ridiculous nonsense while I have real problems that I'm focusing on, or at least higher priorities. My children, for one, are my biggest priority and instead of worrying about their dad, I should be worrying about them and just be happy and grateful for them. I'm talented, and I should be concentrating on developing my talents and finding a great job in my field or starting my own company. And no matter what I do, no matter how I fill my time or how long I put it off, at the end of the night, I'm sad about all of the stupid things I shouldn't be.

So, what's the definition of "pathetic?" According to Dictionary.com, one definition is "causing or evoking pity, sympathetic sadness..." Yeah...and if I were to tell anyone about how I really feel or how sometimes I feel like I'm hanging on by my f*cking fingernails, people would either pity me or tell me to man up--which I already am.

So, to escape the pity, I "man up" and in doing so I give off this illusion that everything is fine with me and that I don't need anyone or anything, which was never intentional. People take my "strength" for granted and just expect me to be able to handle things, so they tell me things and treat me as if I can take anything that comes at me with a grin. People expect me to make the hard decisions, to be the first one to come up with a solution, to be the "boss", to leave me because I'll make less of a scene than someone else, to be a "friend" instead of anything more, and to be their rock because I'm "so strong and stable".

F*ck that.

I'm tired. Just because I don't loose my sh*t every time I get knocked down a bit does not make me stronger than anyone else, and I'm tired of people just expecting me to keep calm, to handle everything that they can't, and to help them with their problems. I have problems of my own and I don't have anyone helping me and holding my hand except for my parents whom I'm not sure where I'd be without their support.

All I want is to have my little family be a family and to finally be the "girlfriend" not just the "friend". I hate being alone, and although I manage well enough and try to be the best mother that I can be under the circumstances, I'm only surviving and doing what I have to so that I don't drop off of the end of my already frayed and breaking rope.