Not Proud

So, as I said in my last blog, I've been sick.  Well, today it decided to manifest when I got home from work.  Instead of eating a healthy lunch and getting my butt into gear, I got distracted by my own imagination and sickness and just never did it.  Now, it's pretty easy to rationalize that I'm sick and I probably shouldn't be working out.... wrong.

The thing is, it would be easy to rationalize, except the other day I was more sick than I am now and I did Zimbabwe for 30 minutes and I went for a 30 minute walk later that night. So no, I can only attribute it to my own distracted laziness.

That being said, I'm working on an interesting project.  I'm going to be doing a vlog based off of illustrations that I do.  Or rather, based off of little snippets of my life that I tell via audio and then illustrate with drawn pictures. I'm not 100% sure what I want my style to be like, though but hopefully I can figure it out.  I went ahead and created a new username on YouTube.com which is OwlsOnFoot. There aren't any videos yet but I'm going to record the voice-over tomorrow and then move from there.  I'm looking forward to the project because my BlackCanaryII account on YouTube wasn't really that great so I didn't really want to stick with it.....or maybe it wasn't great because I didn't stick with it......

........

I'm not sure.  Either way, I'm done with it.

Anyway, no venting or raging tonight. It's 2am and I'm posting this blog from my phone just for giggles, really.  But it will make blotting easier, now that I can do it from my phone....

.....which is better than your phone.....

...be jealous.

Burn.

I Hate Being Sick

So, last night my mother went to the hospital. While I was at work, I realized that my phone was going off in my back pocket. I check it, and my mother has been blowing up my phone. So, I go to call back and my father answers the phone saying, "Everything is okay, the emergency people are here and taking Mom to the hospital." Well, I immediately freak out, of course, leave work and get to the Hospital to see my mother all plugged up to machines and things like that. Of course, I immediately believe that my mother is dying, but somehow manage to keep from crying--I honestly believe it was an act of God, because I was seriously about ready to lose it. My mother was eventually placed in her room, by which time she was apparently feeling better. Bottom line, she had a serious panic attack that she thought was a heart attack, coupled with a serious intestinal viral infection and back-spazms. Not fun for my Mom, but she's okay and was able to come home last night which was great.

But then I, who have been feeling slightly under the weather, wake up this morning and I can't breathe, I can barely talk, I'm coughing up gross stuff and my head feels like it's going to explode. So, as it is, I have called out of work so that I can help my mom get back on her feet, meanwhile I feel like crap.

I'm laying on my couch, trying to fall asleep but I feel so bad and the backs of my eyes hurt so bad that I can't keep them closed for any length of time. Seriously, I feel like my nose is about to explode off of my face. At least then it wouldn't hurt so much.

In any case, I've been getting into shape. Sort of. Right now, my primary goal is to lose all of this extra weight that I've gained by being lazy. I've been at it for three weeks and I've already lost roughly eight pounds--which is kind of interesting. Basically, I've really just been watching what I eat and working out. I also have this great little tool on my phone called "Noom". It helps a lot and it allows me to log what I eat, set small goals for myself, track my weight and work-out patterns. It's pretty nifty. I'm looking to drop back down to my goal weight of 140...which means I have a lot of time to go, but will post it up as I pass certain milestones.

Ah, well. Time to pass out. I'm exhausted and feel like poop. :(

Just Woke Up

So, I just woke up from a little power-nap. And I have to say it sucks. Perhaps it's just the idea of being responsible, but I absolutely hate waking up from a great sleep...only to realize that I have to get ready to go to work. Bleh.

Maybe it's just Target. Because I don't usually wake up and think "Ugh...I have to go to school..." or "...ugh...I have to get a cup of milk for the baby..." Any other kind of responsibility or obligation, or anything really, I don't mind. It's just Target. I'm just so tired of working at a job where I do the same thing every day, get paid sh*t money, and come home too exhausted to play with my children.

I mean, if I was at least getting paid around $10/hour then that might actually be a reason to stay, but as it is I get paid less than $8/hour which is barely enough to pay the few bills I really have, let alone set aside to save up for my children.

I hate it.

But I recently applied to a few places, including my school Book Store (which pays $10/hour and it wouldn't interfere with my classes--boast). I haven't heard anything back yet and it's so disappointing. All I'm trying to do is hang on until I can find something better, but between disappointing job-satisfaction (or lack-there-of) and the bad pay it's getting harder and harder to do the "responsible" thing and get my butt in gear to get ready and go in almost every day.

If it weren't for some of my kids and a few of my co-workers, I would have bailed long ago. Oh, well. Off to work.

"Who Am I? 24601" ...but not really

So, it has been a relatively long time since I've updated my blog. I suppose that is because I have had a lot going on with me as of late. A lot going on, but managing not to get anywhere, if that makes any sense. I rarely vent online--I have a personal journal for that--but I suppose I'm wondering if there's anyone out there that can give me a bit of perspective. Or perhaps, just trying to put who I am and the things I've done (or haven't done) into words that are accessible by pretty much anyone will somehow make me feel like I'm making some kind of leap into becoming the type of person that I want to be. Or if anyone ever wants to get to know me, they can just look at my blog and realize that I am not what I seem--and not in that "oo, she's so mysterious and cool" kind of way. I mean, "Wow...I had no idea she was even capable of those kinds of thoughts...creepy..." but in a negative way.

I don't really think that I've been making a lot of sense yet, so let me just start on the surface:

On the surface, everything looks fine. I would say that I am a pretty average 24-year-old, at least an average, White, American, Female 24-year-old. I would say that I'm mildly attractive, I'm over-weight, wear jeans most of the time, work at Target, go to school full-time for Graphic Design, live with my parents who don't charge me rent, and I have two beautiful, identical little girls that have smiles that make the sun's light seem dull in comparison. I'm single, but it never seems to be an issue, I have a good family even if we have our problems, I can sometimes be over-powering and a little "out-there" but I still manage to find people who tolerate me enough for me to call them friends. I am a somewhat-talented first-year student, studying Graphic Design and I have a lot of opportunities in front of me to succeed in my field. Although I'm not particularly in love with Target, I like the people I work with though not necessarily under. But all in all, I really don't have a lot to complain about--at least nothing that most people would tell me I have any right to complain about.

I'm so tired of people telling me how strong I must be...

Oo...I'm a single mother of twin toddlers...ooo...I'm a full-time student...I'm working on campaigns for Graphic competitions, I'm working as often as I can at Target to try to help my family, the father of my children is with someone else and now has a new baby and I just brush it off...I must be SO strong because I can handle everything going on in my life and manage to wake up with a smile.

Can I just call bullsh*t on all of that?

Okay, yes, I can easily be perceived like I have some semblance of control and that I can balance my life and emotions really well...but it is probably the biggest lie I've ever spun. I'm perceived that way because I want people to think that I am strong, so I can manipulate those around me with what I say and don't say, or the fact that I can behave nonchalantly when really I'm screaming on the inside.

Honestly, I don't want to be perceived as pathetic, although I am.

Let me explain.

Here I am, single, with two daughters that I love, while their father--whom I still love--is with someone else and has a child with her. And interestingly enough, it is my fault that he is with her and not with me because I let my pride and fears get in the way of what I want, and I let others' reactions dictate my life for a long time. And where am I now? I think about him constantly--whether it's good, bad, comparing him to someone else, wishing I could tell him something funny...anything. Meanwhile, I am going about my life, working, going to school, taking care of my children with the help of my family, excelling in Graphic Design and school, and having fun with my friends. Meanwhile, when I get home and it's time to get in bed, I'm acutely aware of how alone I am and how little everything else means because my family is broken and the person that I love and father of my children isn't there to wake up to in the morning. I have literally cried myself to sleep on numerous occasions and as horrible as it sounds, I seek solace in my daughters because without them nothing would be bearable. Meanwhile, I still talk to him, still try to have a positive relationship with him for the sake of our daughters and our own sakes. And I wait, rooting quietly for his relationship to fail because realizes that he is settling for something comfortable and constant (because he knows that she will never leave him, where I have in the past). Basically, I'm waiting for either one of two things to happen: one, they break up and we try again; two, I fall out of love with him.

The disgusting thing is that I know how pathetic it all is, and how disgusting it is to even feel/think like that. It bothers me that I sit and cry and worry about all of this ridiculous nonsense while I have real problems that I'm focusing on, or at least higher priorities. My children, for one, are my biggest priority and instead of worrying about their dad, I should be worrying about them and just be happy and grateful for them. I'm talented, and I should be concentrating on developing my talents and finding a great job in my field or starting my own company. And no matter what I do, no matter how I fill my time or how long I put it off, at the end of the night, I'm sad about all of the stupid things I shouldn't be.

So, what's the definition of "pathetic?" According to Dictionary.com, one definition is "causing or evoking pity, sympathetic sadness..." Yeah...and if I were to tell anyone about how I really feel or how sometimes I feel like I'm hanging on by my f*cking fingernails, people would either pity me or tell me to man up--which I already am.

So, to escape the pity, I "man up" and in doing so I give off this illusion that everything is fine with me and that I don't need anyone or anything, which was never intentional. People take my "strength" for granted and just expect me to be able to handle things, so they tell me things and treat me as if I can take anything that comes at me with a grin. People expect me to make the hard decisions, to be the first one to come up with a solution, to be the "boss", to leave me because I'll make less of a scene than someone else, to be a "friend" instead of anything more, and to be their rock because I'm "so strong and stable".

F*ck that.

I'm tired. Just because I don't loose my sh*t every time I get knocked down a bit does not make me stronger than anyone else, and I'm tired of people just expecting me to keep calm, to handle everything that they can't, and to help them with their problems. I have problems of my own and I don't have anyone helping me and holding my hand except for my parents whom I'm not sure where I'd be without their support.

All I want is to have my little family be a family and to finally be the "girlfriend" not just the "friend". I hate being alone, and although I manage well enough and try to be the best mother that I can be under the circumstances, I'm only surviving and doing what I have to so that I don't drop off of the end of my already frayed and breaking rope.