So, yesterday morning started off like any other day. I woke up, fed the babies, let them play while I got ready, got their stuff all packed to spend the day with their Daddy, got them dressed and loaded up into the car, and dropped them off at their Dad's house. Everything was going fine. I kissed them goodbye, and headed off to work.
My ex's house happens to be located near a school and as I was driving off, I noticed all of the kids with their back-packs and all that heading into the building.
Out of nowhere, I had a massive panic attack. I started thinking about all of the things that I'd have to get for them down the road: new school clothes, school supplies, back-packs, school pictures, prom tickets...all of that stuff that I know they'll need or want. Then I realized that, given my situation, I would never be able to provide for my kids the way that I want to.
I mean, I'm a
lifeguard. Lifeguards don't exactly bank out every month and as it is, even with WIC and Medicaid and other government assistance, we've been getting by. I don't want to be that type of mother. I mean, realistically, I'd have to work two jobs just to put food on the table, keep clothes on their back, and (hopefully) keep gas in the car--and even then I'd never get to see my kids.
I refuse to be that type of mother.
So, I've decided to go back to school. I've always had a natural talent for web design and graphic design, and I know of a credited tech school where I'll be able to go to school and work while the kids are still small. I'm going to be paying out of my ears eventually to pay off my loans, but I
have to do this. I know it's a long way off, at least it can seem like it, but I'll be able to finish school by the time the girls are starting Pre-K.
I've been so passive in my life, waiting for things to happen rather than making them happen. I dropped out of college because I had no idea what I wanted to do, despite my talents, and all I did was screw myself in the end. I can't keep doing what I'm doing. I have to take the offensive in my life and that is certainly what I plan to do.
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