Balancing Act

So, my babies are about 3 months old, and life has been getting back on some sort of "normal" track. I mean, as normal as life gets when you're a single mother of identical twins. I love it, and I really love being a mom, but sometimes it can get really hard, but not for the reasons I would have ever thought. It's hard for me to leave them--I feel horribly guilty whenever I leave them, or rather, I feel guilty for wanting to. It's strange. I mean, every mother needs a break now and then, I'm sure. It's so hard for me to just sit with them at home all day by myself. I love them, and I want to take care of them, but I'm so thankful that I have a job now.

Oh, yes. By the way, I got my job back at Aquatica as a lifeguard. I love it so much and to be honest, it's the only job I've ever had that I actually want to keep, which is a little new for me. But it feels so good to be able to get away and kind of provide for my children. I mean, I don't really make a lot and I can't do very much, but everything I can do for them makes me feel like I'm actually doing something right--which is a very big deal considering I've never really had any kind of straight priorities.

What I really feel guilty about is going out at night and things like that without my girls. I feel horrible because I still want to go out and do things, and it's hard to balance that with being a mother. I mean, I still have friends and I still like to have fun outside of the house but it's kind of hard when I go out and have a great time without them--especially when I love them as much as I do.

It's just hard sometimes, I guess.

But all of those awkward feelings that I was having before are officially gone. Sometimes it's hard for me to grasp that these are my babies, but only because they're so beautiful and sweet. I just can't believe that this is my life sometimes, and I've never been happier.