Maternity Photos...gulp.

Let me start off by saying how much I hate having my picture taken. I don't really know why, considering how self-centered I am and how much attention I tend to attract, but I really hate it. When I was small, I used to love being in pictures and home videos and I believe that once, as a child, I even shouted "No, no--don't look at him, look at me!" on an old home movie. I'm not exactly sure when the 180 happened, but I certainly can't stand being in photos and things like that.

As an artist, I appreciate others' work. My older brother and I share a passion for photography, although he's more intent on turning his passion into a career than I am. As a result, when he learned that I was pregnant, he jumped at the chance to take my maternity photos. I, of course, immediately declined.

Now, don't get me wrong, when my babies are born there are going to be tons of pictures of them. I plan on taking many myself--basically, every time they're in a new situation as most doting mothers would. However, I certainly do not plan on being in said photos. To be honest, if I could keep my family from taking photos while I'm in the hospital I would, but I understand that that is completely unrealistic, and I understand that it will hurt their feelings if I said so. Besides, I just keep telling myself that it's for posterity, and I manage to fool myself into thinking that I won't look too terrible after my c-section.

Anyway, my brother is an extremely talented photographer. After much debating (and growing) I finally realized how selfish I was being by being so stubborn about the pictures. The most important thing is that these photos would be something that my brother can add to his portfolio and advance his career, and it's cruel of me to not give him the opportunity just because I hate being in front of the camera. So, basically, these photos are going to be taken tomorrow, and I'm surprised at how nervous I am. I trust my brother's vision, however, being a photographer myself, and being extremely picky about how I will be presented on camera can most certainly cause some problems. Not to mention I have to tendency to be controlling.

Another thing that kind of has me on edge is that I've invited my ex (one of the possible fathers of my children) to be in the photos, and he's yet to give me an answer. Of course, I only asked him today and I can't really expect it to be an easy decision. But the bottom line is, these are maternity photos. If he is their father, I think it would be important for him to participate and have shots including him (only because his desire to participate in my pregnancy has seemed to grow and he wants to be involved in a lot of ways, and it makes me happy that we can get along and still raise these girls). If he's not the father, then at least the photos would serve well for my brother's portfolio. It's not as if once we find out the paternity of the girls that we can do these photos later, you know?

I don't know. Some times I just really hate having things up in the air. I pride myself on my ability and desire to fly by the seat of my pants. Until I got pregnant, I didn't really plan anything and just let life come at me as it wanted. ...Well, that mentality turned out to make my life a tad more interesting than I bargained for, but I really have no complaints.

I just really hope all goes well tomorrow.