Life-Altering Much?

Probably, one of the things I've been asked the most lately, is if I'm apprehensive or worried about delivering my identical twin girls.

Hi, my name is Jen, and I'm 31 weeks pregnant as of today. Let me start off by telling you a little bit about myself. I live in Florida (as I have my entire life), I'm twenty-two-years-old, currently unemployed, living with my parents, pregnant with identical twin girls, and uncertain of who the father is. Did I ever really expect this sort of thing could happen to me? That I'd ever be in this situation? To be honest, no. I'd never desired to be a mother--probably because I was told that I couldn't even have children naturally, but mostly because I'd just never had any kind of maternal instinct.

I'm not going to lie. Before I found out that I was pregnant, I wasn't really living my life "decently" as some would have it put. Besides smoking, drinking, and partying, I was in a somewhat tumultuous relationship with someone I'd been with for nearly five years off-and-on. Despite how much we loved each other, we couldn't seem to stop hurting one another. At that point in our relationship he was sleeping with someone else as as a result I started sleeping with someone I worked with (who, incidentally, was also in a long-term relationship). After breaking up and getting back together for the umteenth time (very high school, I know), we ended out respective affairs, and decided to "try to make it work" again. Also, during this time and point, I'd moved back in with my parents due to some parking issues with the complex that I was living in at the time. I was searching for rooms for rent, and possibly studio apartments in my area, finally having the income source that I would need to live without room-mates. Things seemed to be going really well for me, and I wasn't worried about anything except when I got to go out drinking next, who was having the sickest parties, and what new comics were coming out.

I'd never really thought that I could get pregnant, so when I started showing symptoms I really didn't think anything of them. I'd been told before that my chances of conceiving naturally were extremely low. It had never been a problem for me, because I've never been the "motherly" type like my sister, and I've never really liked babies in general. I had planned to adopt a young child (somewhere around age 6-10) if I ever decided that I wanted kids, simply because I didn't like babies and so many children need adoption but everyone wants to adopt little babies and toddlers it seems. As a result, whenever I had sex, my partners and I were never exactly "safe" once it had been determined that neither of us contracted any type of STDs.

Sometimes I think the whole situation is horribly unfair. Not for me, because basically the choices I've made have brought me to this point in my life and I regret nothing, but here I am--a young woman who had never wanted children before now pregnant with twins--when so many women are desperate for children and can't have them. It makes me feel guilty, and I feel for these women. My mother couldn't have children, and my parents adopted me as a result, so I know what the pain of infertility can do to a woman who desperately wants a family. For me, it was an unlikely accident for someone that others may deem "unworthy".

When I initially found out that was pregnant, I wasn't exactly excited, but I wasn't angry at Life, either. Again, I still had my job, my boyfriend and I had been under the impression that we'd never have a family and here it was presented to us, although a bit earlier than what may have been ideal. We were both excited, and started making plans immediately. It wasn't until later, until I started crunching numbers, that I realized that there was a very good chance that the baby may not be his, and I'd be forced to tell him and the other guy.

Well, rather than dredge up all of the details, after much debating, I've decided to be a single mother. If the babies are my ex's, then they'll have their father involved in their lives. He and I are still great friends despite everything, and he's been great through all of this. I know it must be hard of him a lot of the time, and I've found a new respect for him being able to handle all of this so well. If the babies aren't his, then the other guy will be informed of their birth--per his request--and I suppose that will be it, while he goes on to live his life. I'm completely content with the way the events have panned out, and it's basically just a waiting game until the girls are born to find out their paternity.

My pregnancy has been fairly normal, despite being a high-risk, identical multiple pregnancy. Unfortunately, I had to leave my job (I was a lifeguard) because I was unable to actually do it due to morning sickness and all of that in the beginning, and eventually my doctor said I shouldn't really be working anyway, so for nearly the entire duration of my pregnancy I've been "taking it easy". The hardest thing about all of this is just basically being confined to the house and not having the means to go out and do things. I've managed to keep myself busy somewhat, and luckily I have good friends who visit. I happen to be the only person in my circle of friends that is pregnant or with children, so it can be frustrating not having someone to relate to but it's not as horrible as some may make it out to be. Although, I will be able to tell you--if I knew other people with kids or other pregnant women my age it would have certainly made this pregnancy a bit less daunting.

As of now, I can't wait for it to be over. I'm excited to meet my girls (who I've named Delessi May and Rosalie Marie) and have them in my arms. I'm ready to start walking normally again, and just not feel so miserable all the time. More than anything, I'm ready to get back into shape and drop this weight--as I've always had a bit of a complex and self-esteem issues--and start working again. I'm not worried about the delivery at all, really. I'm sure I'll just be thankful, more than anything. I've never had any kind of surgery in my life, though, and apparently, I'm having a scheduled c-section. The only thing that really worries me is my recovery from the surgery and how that my hinder my parenting. I've been told not to underestimate the importance of helping hands, however my over-zealous mother has a tendency to get a bit out of control with her affections and "mother-knows-best" mentality, and the strain that may cause our relationship worries me.

I suppose that it's normal to fear the unknown, but I'm not so much afraid of it as I am slightly worried over every possible outcome. But I believe that I've been dealing with it in a positive way, and apparently, staying positive is the most important thing you can do when you're as pregnant as I am.