Fighting Writer's Block

Well, there's been a lot going on recently. Things have been pretty busy, but then what mother of twin infants isn't busy? Of course, I'm thankful for all of the help I have with my family, their father's family and my friends.

But I suppose the thing that's been bothering me the most is that I haven't been able to write. I have a lot that I have to do with my book. It's horrible to have this huge idea, have everything planned out....and then simply be too distracted or tired (there's a thousand excuses) to just sit down and write. It drives me bananas, because when I do actually sit down to write, I forget what I've been writing the next time I get to it, or I'll re-read what I've been writing and it's not as good as I hoped it would be.

I'm sure that what I have to do is just sit down and force myself to do it, but when I do that I don't feel creative. Blah. I really wish I knew how to get over this horrible bought of writer's block. It's not fair--because I role play and things of that nature on IMVU and on AIM and any story-lines I happen to be working on there I do great....it's just having to sit down and do it by myself, I suppose.

Argh. I need to be more focused!

To My Children . . .

Falling leaves circling,
  No sound, save the wind's sweet music.
Laughter and tears,
  Trials and tribulations.
Sunlight shines like angel's song,
  to dance upon our faces.
Spinning until we're lost,
  Falling like the leaves.
Finally, eruptions of laughter.
Peace and Calm.

Trying to Make It

So, yesterday morning started off like any other day. I woke up, fed the babies, let them play while I got ready, got their stuff all packed to spend the day with their Daddy, got them dressed and loaded up into the car, and dropped them off at their Dad's house. Everything was going fine. I kissed them goodbye, and headed off to work.

My ex's house happens to be located near a school and as I was driving off, I noticed all of the kids with their back-packs and all that heading into the building.

Out of nowhere, I had a massive panic attack. I started thinking about all of the things that I'd have to get for them down the road: new school clothes, school supplies, back-packs, school pictures, prom tickets...all of that stuff that I know they'll need or want. Then I realized that, given my situation, I would never be able to provide for my kids the way that I want to.

I mean, I'm a lifeguard. Lifeguards don't exactly bank out every month and as it is, even with WIC and Medicaid and other government assistance, we've been getting by. I don't want to be that type of mother. I mean, realistically, I'd have to work two jobs just to put food on the table, keep clothes on their back, and (hopefully) keep gas in the car--and even then I'd never get to see my kids.

I refuse to be that type of mother.

So, I've decided to go back to school. I've always had a natural talent for web design and graphic design, and I know of a credited tech school where I'll be able to go to school and work while the kids are still small. I'm going to be paying out of my ears eventually to pay off my loans, but I have to do this. I know it's a long way off, at least it can seem like it, but I'll be able to finish school by the time the girls are starting Pre-K.

I've been so passive in my life, waiting for things to happen rather than making them happen. I dropped out of college because I had no idea what I wanted to do, despite my talents, and all I did was screw myself in the end. I can't keep doing what I'm doing. I have to take the offensive in my life and that is certainly what I plan to do.

Working My A-- Off . . . Literally!

Okay, so here's the thing; I posted a blog a while back that pertained to weight loss and the obese. Well, I'm pretty over-weight now. I'm 5' 7" and I weigh over 180lbs. Before I had my kids, I was around 150-160lbs, so I was never exactly "skinny", but I liked my shape and the way my clothes fit. Now, I've become mildly obsessed with getting fit and getting back to a good shape.

I said before how easy it should be to maintain a good weight and how to lose weight if you stick with it and maintain a healthy lifestyle. Well, that's what I'm going to do, and I hope it works. It had always been pretty easy for me to maintain my weight before, so I know that I'm going to have to work pretty hard to lose all of my weight now.

If you read my blog before, I had 7 steps to follow to maintain a healthy lifestyle, so that's what I'm going to do. The biggest thing is that I'm not really going to hard-core diet. I'm going to watch what I eat, yes, and I'm not planning on having a cheese burger every day, but I'm not going to cut out everything I like and starve myself to achieve my ideal weight loss.

I've joined a gym. I'm going to try to go every day, and I've already gone the past two days. I go to Planet Fitness, which is only $20 a month (they also have a membership that is only $10 a month) and it's right next to my house and there's a couple by where I work so I can go there almost every day, which is what I want to do. I'm going to see a personal trainer on Thursday (it's free at my gym) and I'm going to work on a regiment to get rid of my chubby belly, my "thunder thighs", and I'm going to try to increase my upper body strength. Mostly, I just want to get into great shape.

Between work, my girls and the gym, I'm pretty sure life is going to get pretty exhausting, but I know that I can do it, and I will. I'll post updates and let you know how it goes, and everything should work, and I'm willing to work as hard as I have to without killing myself or losing my enjoyment for life, love and food. :)

Feeling Like A Minor Character in My Own Life

Lately I have been realizing how desperate I am to control what people percive me as. I know how I want to be remembered, I know the types of people I want to be around, and I know who I want to be . . . and I couldn't be further from it.

I want to be known as someone who is smart, quick, witty, mysterious, confident, funny, charming, silly, adventurous, sexy, kind, generous, layered, and ecclectic. However, I'm pretty sure I only come off as a loud werido with a habbit of being an asshole.
Obviously, that is not something to be proud of.

I feel like that fellow Norm from "Yes Man" who is so desperate for friendship from the main character, Carl, and he comes off as weird and a little pathetic and sad. But because it's a movie, we find it hilarious. I completely relate to poor Norm. I try so hard to be "cool" and fun that I come off as kind of a retard. And unfortunately, that only attracts other retards.

Don't get me wrong, I have great friends and I love them all. They're all so different and all of them have pieces of their personalities that I really want to encorporate into myself but unfortunately it doesn't really work that way, and I'm sure that I am their weird friend Jen whom they can only stand to be around for a limited amount of time.

I know the types of guys that I'm attracted to, but I seem to repel them and attract ones like me which is hardly a recipe for a successful relationship. Or they're already involved with someone else and I just can't go to that place anymore.

I just feel like such a small, strange, little character in my own life and I just wish that I had what it takes to be the leading lady -- especially of my own story.

Life As A Zombie

Okay, this isn't actually an entry about what it would really be like to be a zombie--although that would be quite interesting (and by interesting, I mean: friggin' AWESOME), so for those of you who were expecting that, sorry. :\ Actually, this is about having to adjust my life and learning how to run on a LOT less sleep than I am used to getting.

Let me start off by saying that G-d blessed me with a gift. That gift is the ability to sleep anywhere and everywhere, and to fall asleep quickly and soundly. I have been known to fall asleep standing in line, on the job, and occasionally under the tables of a bowling alley. Some may view that as a curse, but not I. I am proud of my ability, as sleeping is one of my favorite things in the world to do. In fact, I have been known to marathon sleep--which is to sleep happily all day without interruption except to eat and perhaps pee. I usually get a lot of sleep and I love it.

Now, having said that, when one has twins--or even one new baby--your sleeping patterns become seriously disrupted.

As such, I am now a living zombie.

For me, the normal number of hours of sleep I'm used to getting is somewhere around 9-10, but now? I'm lucky if I get 6. And to some of you, that may seem like a lot.

Well--it's not.

I've been sleeping at work on my breaks a lot more. I take a nap whenever I can, which isn't often because when I'm not with my kids, I'm doing house work, or running errands, working, or finding time to spend with my friends. Life has become one big blurr and only because my children (who, thank the Lord, sleep through the night and are quite good at it) go to sleep at 8pm and wake me up at 5am-7am.

I feel like I'm going to die any minute now.

In fact, I could be sleeping right now.

Goodnight.

Balancing Act

So, my babies are about 3 months old, and life has been getting back on some sort of "normal" track. I mean, as normal as life gets when you're a single mother of identical twins. I love it, and I really love being a mom, but sometimes it can get really hard, but not for the reasons I would have ever thought. It's hard for me to leave them--I feel horribly guilty whenever I leave them, or rather, I feel guilty for wanting to. It's strange. I mean, every mother needs a break now and then, I'm sure. It's so hard for me to just sit with them at home all day by myself. I love them, and I want to take care of them, but I'm so thankful that I have a job now.

Oh, yes. By the way, I got my job back at Aquatica as a lifeguard. I love it so much and to be honest, it's the only job I've ever had that I actually want to keep, which is a little new for me. But it feels so good to be able to get away and kind of provide for my children. I mean, I don't really make a lot and I can't do very much, but everything I can do for them makes me feel like I'm actually doing something right--which is a very big deal considering I've never really had any kind of straight priorities.

What I really feel guilty about is going out at night and things like that without my girls. I feel horrible because I still want to go out and do things, and it's hard to balance that with being a mother. I mean, I still have friends and I still like to have fun outside of the house but it's kind of hard when I go out and have a great time without them--especially when I love them as much as I do.

It's just hard sometimes, I guess.

But all of those awkward feelings that I was having before are officially gone. Sometimes it's hard for me to grasp that these are my babies, but only because they're so beautiful and sweet. I just can't believe that this is my life sometimes, and I've never been happier.

Second Guesses and Awkward Feelings

Before I get into the meat and potatoes of this blog, I'd just like to throw in a little disclaimer. I love my children more than anything. I love being a mother. Through the late-night feedings, the fussiness, and the dirty diapers, nothing makes me happier than when I'm holding my happy babies in my arms, looking into their big, brown eyes with their long, fluttering eyelashes or when I can soothe their cries simply by walking into their line of vision.

That being said, sometimes I feel a bit detached and I'm not sure if that's normal.

The second I had my children in my arms, I felt that instant connection--that bond that every mother prays she'll feel once she sees her children. Luckily, I didn't have hours and hours of a painful labor to dull any of those feelings, and all I felt was a surge of absolute protective, motherly love.

What kind of scares me is that I don't feel that way all of the time. Even when I have one of my girls in my arms, or when I go about the motions of the day--feeding them, doing their laundry, changing them, etc--I don't feel like a mother. Sometimes I feel detached from them, like I'm just taking care of them for someone else or I'm an aunt or something. It's such an awkward feeling. Sometimes I have to remind myself that I'm their mother, that these little girls are going to be with me for the rest of my life and I'm going to be taking care of them and there's never going to be a break from it (even though sometimes I feel like I can really, really use one, haha).

I suppose it will sink in a little bit more as time passes by but I think what I'm afraid of is that instead of sinking in, it will just feel more and more unattached. I can't really imagine that happening, of course, but the fear is still there sometimes. Luckily, they're only a month old, so I have years and years to sit on the topic and just let it eat away at me until I go mad. Just kidding.

Until everything settles with me, though, it's not that difficult to deal with. I mean, I still have those radiating moments of pure, motherly love. Not to mention I have the sweetest, most adorable, beautiful, little girls on the planet. <3 But of course, I'm kind of bias. :)

Who Knew This Could Happen?

To all of those people who have said to me over the years: "You'll feel differently when it's your children" . . . bring on the I-told-you-so's. I never in a million years could have expected motherhood to be like this. My entire perspective and thought-process has seem to do a 180° in the span of an hour and I've never been happier in my life.

To recap the past few weeks:
My children, Delessi May and Rosalie Marie, were born at 5:33pm (in the same minute!) on March 2, 2010 via elective cesarean. I developed postpartum preeclampsia after my babies were born and everyone was afraid that I was going to have a stroke or something because my blood pressure was so high. Eventually my blood pressure went down a little and after 3 days in the hospital my babies and I were able to come home. Since then my recovery has been extremely swift, despite a brief scare with Rosalie they have been 100% healthy, happy babies and I'm feeling better than I have ever felt in my life.

I had never imagined that motherhood would be like this for me. I had heard how there's the instant bond between mother and child and that the love the mother feels can be sudden and all-consuming. I never really believed that it would be like that for me. I never expected that I would just be able to look at my girls and start tearing up because they're such amazing, perfect, little angels. I never, in a hundred years, would have imagined that I would have a maternal bone in my body. But all of my doubts and assumptions were quickly evaporated into thin air the moment I saw my girls in the OR. I literally broke down in tears of joy the minute I heard them cry and ever since then I've been in love.

Everything in my life seems easier. Even being a mother--a task that I imagined would be daunting and that I would have a lot of trouble bonding with my children because, A: I had never even held a newborn in my life and had no idea how I was going to learn how to be a mother, and B: I've never really been a baby person to begin with--has become as natural to me as breathing. Despite the juggling needed with twins and the exhaustion that comes of it, I don't feel overwhelmed and feel so blessed because the girls seem to be happy, contented babies. They're rarely fussy, and even when they are, I'm not alone. Between my mother, my father, my sister and occasionally my brother-in-law, I have a great support system this far and I never seem at a loss for help when I need it.

Honestly, I just never thought it would be like this--that this could happen to me. From the second I saw them, I could never imagine a world without them in it. All I want is to be there for them and to be good for them. As someone who has always suffered from some kind of emptiness and darkness within my mind, it all seems filled with joy and light. I just don't think the way that I used to anymore. And all of the drama and the seemingly daunting aspects of everyday life seem so miniscule now that I can't imagine why everything seemed so hard before. I look at my life before March 2nd and I don't even know that person anymore, and it feels great.

Below are just a few pictures of the girls. I obviously have a lot more, but I just wanted to post up a few here because I'm so proud of them.


Rosalie and Delessi


Delessi


Rosalie


Nessie and Rosie with Mama

Fighting Obesity--Really???

In case you were as of yet unawares, the obesity rate throughout the world is at an all-time high, and America seems to be at the fore-front. Apparently, over the past twenty years there has been a drastic increase in the obesity rate in America (ironically enough, that spans my life...I just thought that's interesting). I found a webpage with an interesting article titled, Obesity and Overweight for Professionals: Data and Statistics which defines obesity as "a body mass index (BMI) of 30 or greater. BMI is calculated from a person's weight and height and provides a reasonable indicator of body fatness and weight categories that may lead to health problems".

The only reason I even bring this topic up, is because it reminded me of something I was talking about with my sister yesterday.

For a little back story, let me start by saying that I am the only person in my immediate family--and most of my extended family, from what I can tell--that I know of who is not over-weight (however, right now, I feel like a cow because I'm 9 months pregnant with twins, but that really doesn't pertain to the topic at hand). I've always had a bit of a weight complex, mainly because everyone around me was over-weight and I was always scared of being fat. Being 5'7" and fighting heredity has made keeping my weight at least average very important to me, I suppose.

Because I've never really struggled with a weight problem, I will go on the record as saying that I can't really see things from my sister's point of view, but I can't imagine it's been easy for her--especially lately with her trying to lose weight and get into good shape.

Yesterday, I decided to go to Wendy's because--being pregnant--I was super-craving one of their new fish fillet sandwiches. I got the largest size, but didn't really want my fries (just my sandwich and my ginormous coke...yum >^^<) so I'd share them with my sister. While she and I were talking about various things over lunch, she suddenly brought up fast-food in relation to parenting--at least for her.

"My children aren't ever going to have McDonalds or any of that stuff until they're older--like grown kids..." she declared.

I was kind of shocked to hear her say this, especially since McDonlads has become slightly more health-conscious with their variety of sides for children and what-not, so I replied, "That really doesn't make sense. That's like the lady who blamed McDonalds for her dumbass spilling her hot coffee on herself."

I mean, am I wrong? I seriously can try to understand her point of view--she's overweight and doesn't want her children to have to deal with the emotional and physical pain of that condition--but really, she's going to push it that far? It just doesn't make sense to me. Yes, fast-food has a tendency to be unhealthy and loaded with fat and all of that...but that doesn't mean that you have to eat it to the point where you're morbidly obese. Or, I mean, you can exercise and have an active life-style so that you can eat what you want--within reason--and still maintain a healthy weight.

I know my sister isn't the only person who feels this way on the planet.

I understand, it's easier to blame "The Man" rather than take responsibility for the fact that a person would eat like a glutton--unable to tell when his/her body had had enough--and then proceed to lounge around in front of the television or computer rather than get outside and ride a bike or go for a swim or something.

I'm not going to say I'm perfect by any means, but I do know my body and I know that obesity runs in my family. I'm not skinny--like I said, I'm happy being average--and perhaps, according to some, I could stand to lose a few pounds anyway, but I'm not going to place the blame on outside influences. It was my decision to go to Sonic and get a double cheese burger, tots, and a rootbeer float. No one twisted my arm. (Oo. That sounds really good right now, by the way.) It was me who decided to sit on my butt in front of my computer for two hours playing Shaiya online rather than going outside for a nice walk or something.

I suppose there are tons of excuses people can make for why they are the way they are. But I'm happy for my sister, at least. She decided to stop making excuses and has been working out, watching what she eats, and is trying to maintain a healthy lifestyle while still doing the things she enjoys. Good for her. I'm assuming her goals are realistic, and they seem to be, and she seems happier and has more energy now which is great. I just feel bad for the people who are still sitting in front of the TV, salivating over a Denny's commercial while they're eating an entire bucket of fried chicken by themselves.

It may seem harsh, I know, but this isn't something that I'm afraid to say to someone's face--which I have--so I have no problem posting it online. I'm sure I may have ruffled a few feathers, but I do want to help more than anything. Below is my own list for living a healthy lifestyle--realistically-speaking, that is--from an average person, and not some self-proclaimed fitness guru or anything like that. Also, after my babies are born, I'll also put up my regiment for myself for losing the near-50 pounds that I've gained during my pregnancy, and hopefully that will help some people out there, too.

1. Balance


Everyone talks about balance--whether it's your diet or your mind, and it's true. But let me break down how I view balance. Don't be afraid of food; eat what you enjoy within reason. Don't starve yourself or anything crazy like that. If you decide you want a Big Mac or something, have one--but don't over indulge, and balance out that delicious treat by taking the stairs instead of the elevator or going for a long walk. You don't have to kill yourself at a gym, but manage your time wisely when it comes to "relaxation".


2. The Non-Diet


Dieting can be a challenge, so you can't think of it as a diet because somehow that puts everything a little farther out of reach for you--I don't know why, but I know it does. Like I said before, don't starve yourself, but know when you're full. If you have a tendency to eat a lot before your full because your stomach is large at this point, then fill it with stuff that's good for you and easy for your body to process like grains, proteins, vegetables...and trust me, they can be prepared in a way so that they taste good to you. You don't have to sacrifice as much as you think when it comes to just watching what you eat.


3. Toss the Scale


I know, it sounds crazy, but the bathroom scale is a big, fat liar, and it hates you. Okay, that's a little extreme. But seriously, the scale can lie to you. If you're mixing a fitness routine with a diet, the muscle-mass you gain weighs more than the fat that you may be losing, so the numbers aren't going to add up right. If you're simply dieting or something, the numbers will depress you if they aren't going down as fast as you would like and it'll only make you want to take drastic measures which may not be the best thing. Instead, base your weight loss around what you see in the mirror, or what your friends say, or even by how your clothes are starting to fit. Trust me, it feels a lot better when you hear someone say "Wow, have you been losing weight? You look great!" rather than what those bitchy numbers on the scale say.


4. H2O


Drink lots of water. That's an easy one. You don't have to substitute water for every drink you have a day but your body needs and craves it. A lot of people don't know what the natural thirst for water feels like so they'll try to satisfy it with a coke or tea or something, and it won't work. Don't underestimate how satisfying a bottle of water can be.


5. Exercise...duh


Okay, let's face it. Not everyone can or even wants to live at a gym, and I don't know about you, but stationary bikes and crap like that drive me nuts--I mean, all of that peddling and you go nowhere? Screw that. Do something that you will actually enjoy as a form of exercise. Go to the park and walk around for a while and maybe feed some ducks. Go swimming. Play with your kids outside. Go out dancing or something. Seriously, just keep yourself active. Maybe you'll actually find yourself wanting to spend less time in front of the TV or computer.


6. Set Realistic Goals for Yourself


If you're 5'7" like me, chances are that you're never going to weigh 90 pounds and be a size 0 and there's a good chance you could kill yourself if you try to attain that. Everyone's body is different. Talk to your doctor about setting goals ideal for your body type--or just Google like a fiend. The most important is that you get to a place that you are content with, whether you need to lose 10 pounds or 110. Just keep the goal within a healthy reach.


7. Be Happy


To me, this seems to be the most important thing. A lot of people are depressive eaters, or eat when they get bored. Fill your time with something that you really enjoy doing. If you suffer from depression or have depression symptoms, talk to a doctor. I've noticed that when you feel good your desire to be active increases and you'll actually want to get out there and not sit around all day. Even if you have a lot of stress in your life, if you find a way to let go of that stress and just take a moment for yourself--whether it's playing a game with your kid, joking with a friend, walking your dog, or reading a book--you'll feel better about a lot of things and your goals will seem more attainable.

I know a lot of what I've said can be argued with "Well, that's great, but it's easier said than done." To be honest, that's true. It's very easy to write out a list of what I think is a "healthy lifestyle" and tell everyone to follow it. Taking the first step to altering your life is always difficult and for some it may never happen--especially depending on what that first step may be. I also know that some people are mentally and emotionally stronger than others, but that doesn't really mean that things are easier for them. Everything is relative and you have to apply what people say and the advice that people give in a way that pertains specifically to you. Sometimes, that simple alteration can make everything a lot easier for you.